Tag Archives: Parody

The Evils of Flossing

Did your great-grandparents floss?

Of course not. So why is the dental profession pushing flossing on innocent younger generations?

We don’t know if it’s a conspiracy. But we do know we cannot trust scientists, who lie to us about everything from global warming (liberal conspiracy) to evolution (Satan’s lie that we are animals). Who or what is about to stop them from scaring us about plaque?

These “scientists” warn about plaque and gum disease. If plaque is so scary, why does my (soon to be former) dentist’s wall have plaques on them? A bit hypocritical for someone so scared silly of gum disease, don’t you think?

And what on earth is gum disease. What a cop out. It doesn’t even mean anything, no more than leg disease or neck disease! Real diseases have real names: Lung cancer. Hypothermia. Liberalism.

It’s all a schtick designed to get our kids hooked on flossing. Look, they even give our children free samples, hoping flossing becomes an addiction — sorry, I mean a “habit”!

I say we return to the traditions of out forefathers: boldly eating what we will and ignoring the self serving interests of the floss-peddlers. Clearly George Washington felt this way. He believed in the tyranny of prescriptive oral hygiene so strongly he choose wooden teeth before he would surrender.

My children and I will not be flossing, I promise you that!

The preceding was a parody of the radically conservative mindset.

We’re Hiring!

The last few decades, the Roman Catholic Church has been whining about a decrease in “the vocations,” or candidates for the priesthood (and sisterhood — gotta maintain equal opportunity!). I decided to help them out by “reposting” their newest job opening:

We’re Hiring!

What: A small parish seeks a full-time reverend.

When: As soon as you finish seminary.

Job Perks: The Church treats Her men well. Here are just some job highlights:

  • We provide tax-free income and a house.
  • Variable job pay — guilt your flock into putting more into that basket whenever you want. Just send 50% to your Bishop and our holy father the Pope.
  • Swing elections however you want to — you can’t officially endorse politicians or parties, but you can dedicate whole homilies (that’s what we True Christians call our sermons) to key issues of the election.
  • Listen as real people confess their darkest sins to you!
  • A “Don’t ask, don’t tell” pedophilia policy. Additionally, we can transfer you to another parish, should things get hairy (and your parishioners pay your settlements for you, should the filthy, underage, Satan-loving whores rat you out).
  • The comfiest chair in the building!
  • Little boys (and girls) hold your books, light the candles, and bow to you.
  • Hundreds to thousands of people will bow, kneel, chant, or sing when you tell them to.
  • Everyone thinks you can turn crackers into Jesus’ body … and you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a bloodaholic! Which doesn’t exist — you can’t get too much Jesus.
  • Goddess worship, kinda like the Pagans. And an alibi: Mary’s no god, she just intercedes for us.
  • A rock-solid, Constitutional excuse for your homophobia.
  • Wear essentially a dress without cross-dressing (no pun intended).

Necessary Experience: Most have an easy time meeting our humble needs:

  • An ability to alternately scare the death out of folks and convince them you’re their best friend
  • An ability to keep a straight face while invoking “magic” that never works
  • An ability to get up on time most days.
  • (No proof of two-way conversations with God required)

Inquire within… your soul.