The last few decades, the Roman Catholic Church has been whining about a decrease in “the vocations,” or candidates for the priesthood (and sisterhood — gotta maintain equal opportunity!). I decided to help them out by “reposting” their newest job opening:
What: A small parish seeks a full-time reverend.
When: As soon as you finish seminary.
Job Perks: The Church treats Her men well. Here are just some job highlights:
- We provide tax-free income and a house.
- Variable job pay — guilt your flock into putting more into that basket whenever you want. Just send 50% to your Bishop and our holy father the Pope.
- Swing elections however you want to — you can’t officially endorse politicians or parties, but you can dedicate whole homilies (that’s what we True Christians call our sermons) to key issues of the election.
- Listen as real people confess their darkest sins to you!
- A “Don’t ask, don’t tell” pedophilia policy. Additionally, we can transfer you to another parish, should things get hairy (and your parishioners pay your settlements for you, should the filthy, underage, Satan-loving whores rat you out).
- The comfiest chair in the building!
- Little boys (and girls) hold your books, light the candles, and bow to you.
- Hundreds to thousands of people will bow, kneel, chant, or sing when you tell them to.
- Everyone thinks you can turn crackers into Jesus’ body … and you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a bloodaholic! Which doesn’t exist — you can’t get too much Jesus.
- Goddess worship, kinda like the Pagans. And an alibi: Mary’s no god, she just intercedes for us.
- A rock-solid, Constitutional excuse for your homophobia.
- Wear essentially a dress without cross-dressing (no pun intended).
Necessary Experience: Most have an easy time meeting our humble needs:
- An ability to alternately scare the death out of folks and convince them you’re their best friend
- An ability to keep a straight face while invoking “magic” that never works
- An ability to get up on time most days.
- (No proof of two-way conversations with God required)
Inquire within… your soul.