The last few decades, the Roman Catholic Church has been whining about a decrease in “the vocations,” or candidates for the priesthood (and sisterhood — gotta maintain equal opportunity!). I decided to help them out by “reposting” their newest job opening:

We’re Hiring!

What: A small parish seeks a full-time reverend.

When: As soon as you finish seminary.

Job Perks: The Church treats Her men well. Here are just some job highlights:

• We provide tax-free income and a house.
• Variable job pay — guilt your flock into putting more into that basket whenever you want. Just send 50% to your Bishop and our holy father the Pope.
• Swing elections however you want to — you can’t officially endorse politicians or parties, but you can dedicate whole homilies (that’s what we True Christians call our sermons) to key issues of the election.
• Listen as real people confess their darkest sins to you!
• A “Don’t ask, don’t tell” pedophilia policy. Additionally, we can transfer you to another parish, should things get hairy (and your parishioners pay your settlements for you, should the filthy, underage, Satan-loving whores rat you out).
• The comfiest chair in the building!
• Little boys (and girls) hold your books, light the candles, and bow to you.
• Hundreds to thousands of people will bow, kneel, chant, or sing when you tell them to.
• Everyone thinks you can turn crackers into Jesus’ body … and you’re not an alcoholic, you’re a bloodaholic! Which doesn’t exist — you can’t get too much Jesus.
• Goddess worship, kinda like the Pagans. And an alibi: Mary’s no god, she just intercedes for us.
• A rock-solid, Constitutional excuse for your homophobia.
• Wear essentially a dress without cross-dressing (no pun intended).

Necessary Experience: Most have an easy time meeting our humble needs:

• An ability to alternately scare the death out of folks and convince them you’re their best friend
• An ability to keep a straight face while invoking “magic” that never works
• An ability to get up on time most days.
• (No proof of two-way conversations with God required)

Inquire within… your soul.