Did your great-grandparents floss?

Of course not. So why is the dental profession pushing flossing on innocent younger generations?

We don’t know if it’s a conspiracy. But we do know we cannot trust scientists, who lie to us about everything from global warming (liberal conspiracy) to evolution (Satan’s lie that we are animals). Who or what is about to stop them from scaring us about plaque?

These “scientists” warn about plaque and gum disease. If plaque is so scary, why does my (soon to be former) dentist’s wall have plaques on them? A bit hypocritical for someone so scared silly of gum disease, don’t you think?

And what on earth is gum disease. What a cop out. It doesn’t even mean anything, no more than leg disease or neck disease! Real diseases have real names: Lung cancer. Hypothermia. Liberalism.

It’s all a schtick designed to get our kids hooked on flossing. Look, they even give our children free samples, hoping flossing becomes an addiction — sorry, I mean a “habit”!

I say we return to the traditions of out forefathers: boldly eating what we will and ignoring the self serving interests of the floss-peddlers. Clearly George Washington felt this way. He believed in the tyranny of prescriptive oral hygiene so strongly he choose wooden teeth before he would surrender.

My children and I will not be flossing, I promise you that!

The preceding was a parody of the radically conservative mindset.